I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
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it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner