I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
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Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
getting groceries
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.