i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
You Might Also Like
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
This is amazing.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.