i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
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I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying