i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
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My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.