I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
You Might Also Like
How long do you have to wait between naps?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying