I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
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They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁