Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

courtroom exchange of the day

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

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