I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
You Might Also Like
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[shakes fist at other fist]
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.