I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Canadian owl: Eh?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse