I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you