I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.