I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
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when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
*limbos away from your hug*
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.