I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
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[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.