Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
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5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
North and South
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
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Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.