Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

Before & after 😅

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

Uh oh 👀

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this