Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

More like Kate Missington.

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs