Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like sleeping!

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry