I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
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“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
12653.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.