Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

🤣

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?