I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
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Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Oops I deleted….
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Hmmmmmmm….
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
see next tweet for some translations
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.