I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
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The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I went from rags to one rag.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.