I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
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Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this