I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The options really are this bad
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.