I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
fly smarter, not harder
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Finally!
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck