I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us