I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
doing your own taxes
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Woke up against my better judgment again
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0