I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped