I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
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Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.