Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Not today.. 😂

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

he looks great for his age

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.