I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
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I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
A short story of betrayal:
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER