i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
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Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
la cocaina
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Still a very good boi….
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.