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*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Previously On Persistence 😎
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”