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My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
The most precious boy
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.