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Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other