I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
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my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
this has to be peak English
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
gender is a sprctrum
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
*pokes sex life with a stick
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
wow he looks just like him
