I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
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The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*