I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Did my cat write this
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit: