I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
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My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Sorry not sorry.
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I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”