i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
You Might Also Like
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
need him
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.