Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!