i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
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MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.