Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!