I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you