Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Lmao

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

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The Chosen Phew

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

Netflix: We have Less

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds