I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
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Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.