Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

#Caturday

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

Monica just destroyed the internet

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.