Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*