I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
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Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?