Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.