Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.