[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
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STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.