I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
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Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.