I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
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This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Managing expectations
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
