I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
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Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
October already? What’s next? November????
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
we’re dead?
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes