I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
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I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.