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Does anyone elseβs spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: βConditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.β
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Canβt, Iβm still folding up this CVS receipt.
Husband: Howβs your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilitiesβ¦
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you wonβt be doing any of that anymore.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? itβs not like itβs gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: weβll be home in 10 minutes.
“Hola! I’m SeΓ±or Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I my rage I texted my friend βI made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it youβ.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:![]()
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. Theyβve quieted down. Thereβs a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.