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Me: Iβm worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Me in my 20βs:
I donβt want to leave the house if my Victoriaβs Secret bra doesnβt match my thong.Me in my 40βs:
I donβt want to leave the house.
STUDENT: whatβs it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: Thatβs a pretty good tradeβ¦
Unicyclists should just walk if theyβre so desperate to cut down on wheels
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didnβt write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. Youβre a fuquing quoqusuquer
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess whatβs bothering my wife. Iβm never right, but I can always guess.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
βHe has no self control!β I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Googles βwhat happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie doughβ
[5 minutes later]
βtwiceβ
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
which is the Beyonce song where itβs like weβre independent but also you should marry us but like weβre super-strong but also pay our bills
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
βDonβt worry. Youβre home in Americaβ
Butβ¦Iβm Swedish!
βWorld Emperor Trump will explain everythingβ
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
harry potter: this meeting couldβve been an owl
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
The recipe Iβm making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
if you comment βi am so turned on right nowβ to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you itβs cold out, itβs cold out.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Apparently itβs βinappropriateβ to show up at your therapistβs home to swim in her new pool even though your βboundary issuesβ paid for it.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but itβs so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: Youβll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So Iβm rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can βsneak by youβ, but then you say yes and they just walk by and arenβt sneaky at all.
Meteorologist β Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver β Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!