Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”