Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!