Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

I drew y’all a little something.