I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I have many caverns
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!