I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.


My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.


I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!


Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”


ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.


Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid


It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity


Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic


infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here