I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
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Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
i will not be silenced
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.