Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.