Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.