I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
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My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I’ve watched this 17,467 times