I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
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Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
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13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
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Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep