Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

How high do the levels go?

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”