I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
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Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!