I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
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[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!