I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
You Might Also Like
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Room with a view.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears