Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
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You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
how to exercise your calf muscles
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
January has been Januweary
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.