Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

I wrote a book on penguins.

Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.