Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: