I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
