I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
trivia
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
