I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
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I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.